Sunday 29 November 2020 00:34:25 PHT

Bared... Dust in the wind

Tagbilaran, Monday, 2 November 2009

Only for a moment and the moment's gone
All my dreams,
Pass before my eyes, that curiosity
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind
Same old song, Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do, Crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind
Don't hang on,
Nothing last forever but the earth and sky
It slips away, And all your money won't another minute buy
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind

Yes, we are all dust in the wind....and nothing last forever.

This day we visit those special people who were a special part in our life... to let them know that even they were already gone we still remember and love them. We search for ways to remember and at least keep a memory alive. Sharing stories helps us remember those good days and the joy that loved one brought to us. We may no longer to enjoy their fun and love in this existence, but the memory can remind us of the emotions and experiences we had together.

A blogger says, "We want to remember the deceased and maintain some part of their live lessons in our daily journey.  This need to remember becomes especially strong on birthdays, anniversaries or holidays.  It may be the season that triggers our memory. Or a smell. Or a treasured old toy in the attic."

Whatever the touchstone of remembering, it is therapeutic to tell a story to another person and have them acknowledge your sharing.

I sound like a broken CD (again) every time I wish to share this piece. I can't resist sharing a chapter from one of my favorite books (shared by friend Ricky Lo of Philippine Star), You Can't Afford The Luxury of a Negative Thought by Peter McWilliams. This is where some dear friends are today...I am dedicating the piece to you people out there who have lost a parent or a loved one and can't quite figure out what happened or are finding it hard to come to terms with their great, irreplaceable loss.

Learn to mourn

This is a lifetime of goodbyes. As the years go on, you'll say goodbye to both people (through moving, change, or death) and things (youth, that semi-tight body you once had, hair, prized possessions). Eventually, you'll say goodbye to it all with your own death.

Learning to mourn, to grieve, to say a goodbye, is an invaluable tool.

When a loss takes place, the mind, body and emotions go through a process of healing as natural as the healing of a physical injury. Know that feeling lost, sad, angry, hurt, fearful and tearful at goodbyes is a natural part of the healing process.

We recover from the loss in three distinct but overlapping phases. The first phase of recovery is shock/denial/numbness; the second, fear/anger/depression; the third, understanding/acceptance/moving on.

No matter what the loss—from a missed phone call to the death of a loved one—the body goes through the same three phases of recovery. The only difference is the time it takes to go through each stage and the intensity of the feelings at each point along the way.

When we first hear of a loss, our initial reaction is shock/denial/numbness. Often we say, "Oh no!" We can't believe what we've heard. We go numb.

This ability to deny and go numb is a blessing. Catastrophic losses are too hard to take all at once. It has been suggested that the reason some people have slow, terminal illnesses as their method of dying is because it's going to take them a long time to say goodbye, and they want to do it right.

The next phase, fear/anger/depression, is the one most commonly associated with loss. We think we'll never love or be loved again (fear). We wail against the situations, people, things, and unkind fates that "caused" the loss (anger). We cry, we feel sad, we hurt, we don't want to go on (depression).

One of the toughest feelings to accept is anger at the one who us dying (even if it's yourself). "Why are you leaving me?!" a voice inside wants to know. To feel angry at someone for dying, or angry at yourself over your own death, is perfectly normal. It's a natural stage of recovery that one must pass through. (Pass through-not remain in.)

Finally, we come to understanding/acceptance/moving on.

We understand that loss is part of life. We accept the loss we suffered, and begin to heal. When healing is well under way, we move on to our next experiences.

I put this information on grieving in the section "Act-centuate the Positive" because mourning is a positive human ability. It allows us the flexibility to adapt to change. It is not "negative to fell pain, fear and anger at loss. It's natural, human response. The negativity enters when the process of healing is suppressed, glossed over and denied.

Accept the process. Accept the numbness, the fear, the pain, the anger, the sadness, the tears and eventually, accept the healing.

Accepting the healing can be difficult. People may expect you to mourn, longer than you find necessary, or they may want your mourning to "hurry up." People often offer comfort to ease their own discomfort. "There, there," the say," everything's all right," when, in fact, everything is not all right.

Grieving must be done in its own time.


Here's another piece "How to Remember a Loved One Who Has Died" shared by a reader:

When someone you love dies it can be devastating. You'll feel sad, angry, lonely, confused and even worried. It is an enormous event in life that changes life forever. You wish you could have that person back in your life with you. There are wonderful ways to keep this person a part of your daily experience even though they are no longer living. Following these steps can help you cope. In time you'll feel more at peace as you remember your loved one.

  • The most important thing is to start out your grieving process with determination. You are determined to remember your loved one who has passed in a positive way. Initially we all feel bad, but it is very important to try and keep a good attitude. For example, instead of saying, "I can't believe he/she is gone. This is awful." Try to say, "I'm so sad that he/she is no longer with us. I want to remember him/her and keep their memory alive in a positive way." Keep challenging yourself to grieve with this positive attitude and the process will be healthier. It's ok to feel the anger and sadness. Just challenge yourself not to be consumed by it.
  • One of the most common ways that people remember a loved one is through photos. Find photos of your loved one during happy and pleasant times. Frame them and place them throughout photos already in the house along with other loved ones. If you already have photos up, leave them up. Or, if they are too hard to look at in the beginning, find a different spot for them in the house for a while. The important thing is to include them in you photos that you treasure and look at. Don't put them away and avoid them.
  • Next, start a memory garden in your own yard. For every birthday missed, or a Father's Day or Mother's Day passed, plant something in memory of your loved one. Add to it and before long it is this wonderful place that brings you joy. You could even plant a tree and decorate it for occasions to remember your loved one by.
  • Next, decide how you feel about going to the cemetery. Don't think about what others would want you to do or what they themselves do. What makes you comfortable? Do you connect with that person there? If you decide to go, how often do you feel comfortable going? Once a year? More? Less? That is your decision. If you feel like you don't want to be there, then step 3 above may be a nice alternative. Remember this person in the way that makes you comfortable.
  • Find little ways to talk about your loved one who has passed in an uplifting manner. Practice! For example, with children, as you watch them do something that your loved one would have enjoyed, tell the child about it. For example, "That would have made Grandpop laugh!" or "Remember, Grandmom use to love that movie!" You don't have to constantly bring them up in conversation but a little bit is really good for everyone. You can even use it like this "I know your father is really proud of you today." Always do it with a positive attitude. Do it with the goal of remembering someone and continuing to make them a part of your life.


Leo P. Udtohan

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